Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Yankee Stadium Security: On Notice

Yankee Stadium security, you are officially on notice. We all know that the Yankees/Red Sox games bring out the crazies, but the new stadium “rules” have gone a bit too far.

Apparently, fans are no longer allowed to yell “Boston Sucks”. While I understand your desire to keep the game respectful, it's clear that your new security cavalry has never attended a game at Yankee Stadium. Lighten up. Besides, yelling “Boston Isn't Good” just doesn't have the same ring.

And you told my friend to turn her t-shirt inside out. Did it have obscenities on it? No. Did it degrade people of a specific gender or race? No. It said “Manny love loves Big Papi's little pee pee”. Now, I'm not sure which part was offensive. Was it the suggestion that Manny and Big Papi are gay? Because there's nothing wrong with being gay. Was it the suggestion that Big Papi only packs a few inches? Because there's nothing wrong with that either, as long as Papi knows how to satisfy Manny in other ways. My only conclusion, Mr. Security Guard, is that you have issues with both being gay and having a small penis.

Kicking out the guy in the next row for telling JD Drew he was a horse's ass? Well, that's just bad form. So Drew cried a little. He'll get over it. But just to play along, I've written down a few possibly acceptable heckles for the new regime:

“Drew, you're a bad outfielder”

“Your mother is a woman of loose morals”

“Hey ump, that was a terrible call, sir”

“Hey Manny, you're a guy who likes to sleep with other guys”

“Excuse me, Beckett. Would you kindly place your lips on my bottom?”


Unsilent Majority said...

How long has Steve Javie been running security for Yankee Stadium?

Phil said...

What is the world coming to when Yankee fans can't be crude and obnoxious in their own ballpark?