Friday, August 3, 2007

An Open Letter To Michael Strahan

Dear Michael,

You're being a little bitch.

I've been sitting on this contract thing for a bit. Partly because I wanted to see how it played out and partly because I just can't deal with training camp drama. It's hard enough to be a Giants fan these days.

But seriously, this is ridiculous. First of all, you're going to make Eli cry and he cries enough as it is. We've got his psyche duct taped together right now. I was hoping we'd at least make it to week 8 before he breaks like a little girl.

This not showing up to training camp crap? I'd expect that from Jeremy, but not you. You're better than that. I know it's getting tougher as you age to kick the hooker out of bed in the morning and get moving. But dammit, you gotta do what you gotta do.

And the retirement talk? It wasn't cute on Tiki and it's not cute on you. You guys need to learn to take care of that stuff in the off-season. You wanna retire? Fine. Whatever. But don't do it during the season. That's like being in bed with a woman (or Dr. Ian) and telling her mid thrust that you're breaking up with her. Sure you still get to finish, but she'll spend the rest of the time thinking about you leaving instead of fantasizing about Jeremy's tight end.

You know you're my favorite player on the team. Yours is my go-to jersey on Sundays and I always feel like a badass wearing it. Why? Because you're Michael Fucking Strahan. The animal. The legend. The man who mercilessly took down a scrambling Brett Favre to break the single season sack record. At least that's how I remember it anyway.

I guess what I'm saying is, stop whining about money and retirement and get to practice. The team needs you. Eli needs you. And dammit, I need you.

Signed,

Sports Girl

P.S. I saw your ex-wife the other day. She looks like shit. Just thought you should know.

3 comments:

Business or Leisure? said...

I'd smash Strahan's ex just to prove I wasn't gay.

Such is life, I suppose.

T. White said...

I think you really underestimate just how hard it is to kick that hooker out of bed in the morning and get to work.

I'm late all the time.

dinabanina said...

You're awesome.