Wednesday, May 2, 2007

Really Long Heckle Guy

As a Yankees season ticket holder in the bleachers, I’ve become accustomed to the various characters that the bleachers breed. There are the classics like Flair, Cowbell Guy, and everyone’s favorite Grandma Yankee. Every year a new character enters the mix and sometimes they fill a much needed fan void, adding a new element to the famous section. Other times, they’re just plain annoying. Enter Really Long Heckle Guy.

This guy is on my list of people you’d rather poke your eye out than sit next to. He’s taken the classic act of heckling to a whole new level. This guy’s insults are so long, that halfway through his shouts, he forgets what he’s yelling about. For instance, a blown call by the ump usually inspires a “You suck, Blue!”. But that’s not enough for Really Long Heckle Guy. Instead, we got a “Hey blue, you need an optometrist visit because your eyesight is so bad that you can’t make a decent call!”. Seriously. Not kidding. We’ve also gotten a “Hey Drew, you’re the worst outfielder on the team and I hope you drop the next fly ball” and “Vernon, I hope you trip and fall on your way back to the dugout after this inning”.

After listening to this guy for a month, enough is enough. In the hopes that Really Long Heckle Guy is one of this blog’s three readers, I’ve put together alternatives for some of his go-to insults.

Really Long Heckle Guy…
“You’re such a bad player that even your mom doesn’t want to play with you and your dog won’t fetch for you”
Should be replaced by...
“You Suck”

Really Long Heckle Guy...
“You’re so ugly that the last girl you dated made you wear a mask so she didn’t have to look at your face while she was eating”
Should be replaced by...
“Your father should have pulled out”

Really Long Heckle Guy...
“Hey blue, you need an optometrist visit because your eyesight is so bad that you can’t make a decent call”
Should be replaced by...
“Get off your knees, you’re blowing the game”

Really Long Heckle Guy...
“Your boyfriend is a much better player than you and he makes more money which is why people like him better”
Should be replaced by...
“Manny, who’s your Papi?”

Really Long Heckle Guy, these are only meant as suggestions and can be altered slightly if needed. But keep in mind, if you run out of breath before the end of the heckle, it's too long.

3 comments:

OC said...

Really funny stuff!!! I saw your comment on Max's myspace page about your sports blog and I figured I would check it out. Normally I wouldn't have bothered, but reading a sports blog by a female sports fan...who loves the Yankees??? I couldn't resist. Thanks for the laughs....keep em coming.

-OC

semitough said...

Setting up a blog: No charge
Internets access from work: No charge
"Get up off you knees, you're blowing the game": Priceless

SportsGirl365 said...

OC, Any friend of Max is a friend of mine. Welcome.

Semitough, Yankees fans have a way with words, don't they?