Friday, April 27, 2007

An open letter to the Yankees

Dear Yankees,

You’re pissing me off. I’m sorry that I had to start this letter so hostile but I feel that at this point in our relationship, we owe each other that honesty.

I understand these are rough times. I mean, there are times at my job when my team members aren’t performing well and I’m tempted to just phone it in. Like the other day, when the receptionist was out and we had a temp who didn’t know her ass from her elbow. My department could have left her to answer seven ringing lines by herself while simultaneously signing for packages and ordering lunch for our lazy VP, but we rallied around her and gave her some support. Don’t you think Hughes would have appreciated a similar gesture last night?

And I know Cairo isn’t your first choice at Short, but sometimes we don’t always get what we want. Do you think that when they ran out of mustard for the hot dogs, The Babe cashed in and called it a day? No way. He slapped some ketchup on that sucker, stuffed it down, and went out and hit some homeruns. Just think of Cairo as the ketchup to Jeter’s mustard. Just a suggestion. I’m only trying to help.

And seriously. You’re treating Arod like your fat, ugly ex-girlfriend who lost the weight and just won the lottery. You were ready to toss him out a year ago, and now he’s your best friend. Just because he’s got it all now doesn’t mean you can quit your job. What happens when he breaks up with you next year? Strap one on and get out there.

Yankees, you and I have been together for over 20 years. It’s the longest relationship I’ve ever had and I think we’ve got a future together. I’m willing to stick by you, but you’ve got to give me something to work with. Sitting in the rain just to watch you lose is getting old. And by God, it’s breaking my heart.

Sports Girl

P.S. Andy - I spoke to Matsuzaka this morning. He said you throw like a girl. At least that’s what I think he said. I don’t know. I don’t speak Japanese.