Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Jemele Hill: On Notice

In an extremely unfairly written column, ESPN's Jemele Hill blasts Andy Pettitte for an apology he made. Instead of writing scathing columns, what Hill needs to do is gain some perspective.

Read the rest...

Thursday, December 13, 2007

'Twas a Night in December

The girls at Babes Love Baseball (of which I am a card carrying member) have collaborated to bring you a holiday Mitchell Report treat. Head on over and check it out.

As for my feelings on the Mitchell Report, I...think...that...zzzzzzzzzzzz...

Seriously. Very few surprises and it won't change a thing. MLB doesn't care who does steroids, they only care who gets caught. Plain and simple.

I'll have a commentary up on The Naughty American tomorrow, so stay tuned.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Mohawks are just plain trouble

Brandan Geise was suspended from his soccer team at Winamac Community High School in Indiana for refusing to cut his mohawk.

Now that public high schools have issues like drugs, teen drinking, youth pregnancies, and weapons completely under control, it has freed school officials to concentrate on more serious threats to students, such as individuality.

Read the rest...

Monday, December 10, 2007

Stephen A. Smith can bite me

Seriously. Does anyone even care what he says anymore?

Screamin' A. has added bloggers to the list of people he yells about. Read my reaction here.

Thursday, December 6, 2007

The Ravens are Losers

Being a loser isn't determined by the scoreboard. It is determined by a team's actions in the face of adversity and a team is defined by its players. Thanks to Samari Rolle and Bart Scott, the Baltimore Ravens are most certainly losers.

Read the rest...

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Sean Taylor

Sean Taylor was a great football player, a dependable teammate, a loving father, and a devoted family member.

And Sean Taylor was a thug.

At least, that is how the media wants you to remember the player who was shot tragically in a suspected home invasion. Football player, family member, … and thug. Read the rest...

Monday, November 26, 2007

Jerry Jones can bite me

This Thursday, the network will be broadcasting what has become one of the biggest games of the season. Jerry Jones' 10-1 Cowboys will be hosting the 10-1 Green Bay Packers. The winner gets NFC bragging rights as well as the opportunity to control home field advantage throughout the playoffs.

The fact that two-thirds of the country cannot watch this prime time game without paying has caused Jones to speak out against the cable companies, encouraging customers to switch to another provider.

Read the rest...

Friday, November 16, 2007

The NBA = Prude

“We call this a ‘Brokeback Mountain’ game, because there’s so much penetration and kick-outs.”

This was the statement from Los Angeles Lakers coach Phil Jackson that drew unnecessary ire from NBA Commissioner David Stern. In today’s post-Isiah world, the league has become prudish.

But what exactly was offensive about Jackson’s comment? That he pointed out there is penetration in gay sex? There is also penetration in straight sex (if you’re doing it right). Perhaps Stern needs a refresher course.

Read the rest...

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Bye Bye Barry

Ooooh, Scott Boras is going to be pissed! Barry Bonds has trumped any upcoming Alex Rodriguez announcement by going and getting himself indicted.

The indictment states "During the criminal investigation, evidence was obtained including positive tests for the presence of anabolic steroids and other performance enhancing substances for Bonds and other athletes."

Should Bonds be convicted on all five counts listed in the indictment, he could go to prison for up to 30 years. While there are other unnamed athletes involved in the decision, Bond was the big fish.

I can't provide legal analysis and I won't even try. In the next few days, every lawyer under the sun is going to weigh in with an "expert" opinion. But I will say this. Pete Rose has been denied the Hall of Fame for betting on games. Betting FOR the team he was playing for. Shoeless Joe Jackson was banned, despite being acquitted by the grand jury for game fixing. If Bonds ends up in the Hall of Fame after this indictment, it will be an injustice. For the league, for the fans, and for the players who take this game seriously every day.

Bud Selig can do what he wants with the record. Asterisk it, erase it, let it stand. It's no longer about the record. It's about the responsibility of the league and those who govern it to keep the sanctity of the Hall and the game.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Arod Desperate for the Yanks

Will Alex Rodriguez be a Yankee after all? If it means he does it on the Yankees terms and without Scott Boras, then I'm all for it. And according to the New York Daily News, it might be an option.

Arod's image has taken a hit recently due to his unreasonable contract demands, namely the price tag of $350 million. If Arod is willing to talk to the Yankees while keeping Boras out of the process, it's a step in the right direction.

But let's look at this for what it is. Arod is an attention whore. The best way for him to stay in the spotlight is with the Yankees. The Yankees have some big moments coming up, including the tearing down of the old stadium and the opening of a new one. There's no way Arod would pass up being a part of that history.

Arod never had any intentions of wearing a uniform other than a Yankees one. He was ill-advised by Boras, who obviously felt the Yankees would pony up the cash. Unfortunatley, he's dealing with a different Steinbrenner.

But as I said yesterday, while Arod would be an obvious asset to the team, the Yankees have options. They're not desperate for Arod. Arod is desperate for the Yankees.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Hip Hip, Jorge!

The Yankees and Jorge Posada came to an agreement Monday, allowing Posada to stay a Yankee for at least another four years at a price of $52.4 million. This is yet another move that shows the new Steinbrenner generation has their heads on straight.

A five time All Star, Posada hit a team-high .338 this year with 20 homers and 90 RBIs. He set career highs for average, slugging percentage (.543) and on-base percentage (.426).

Posada's entire major league career has been in a Yankee uniform, something that is rare with today's “buy and sell” baseball mentality. With the retention of Posada, the Yankees have made sure that they have core players in place to drive the team next year. Both Posada and Derek Jeter have been Yankee lifers. While their talent has a lot to do with that, it also speaks for loyalty. Loyalty that you can't “buy and sell”.

The Steinbrenner boys have made it clear that, unlike their predecessor, their priority isn't flashing cash and buying overpriced talent (read Clemens, Roger). They appear to be spending wisely and making good moves.

The only defensive hole is at third. With Wilson Betemit in the slot, the position is weak. But with Boston's Mike Lowell free to talk to other teams, it opens up a possibility for the Yankees to make an offer. The Mets have been rumored to show interest in Alex Rodriguez also. Should that come to fruition, it would be quite reasonable and financially viable for the Yankees to acquire third baseman David Wright in a deal. (Although the hormonal surge among female fans if Wright and Jeter were on the same team might tilt the earth's axis.)

The bottom line is, the Yankees have options and a promising future. A new young manager, talented and loyal players, and new decision makers who seem to get it.

Monday, November 12, 2007

Tennis Stars: Now With Harder Bodies

SHANGHAI – Andy Roddick has the body of a warrior. A Terracotta Warrior to be exact.

The hard bodies of the top eight players in tennis have become even harder, thanks to a woman named Laury Dizengremel. The French sculptor has immortalized the pros in the forms of Terracotta Warriors.

As the tennis players battle it out at the Tennis Masters Cup in Shanghai, the tournament will be guarded by these warriors built in the likenesses of all eight qualifiers of the event. The project, commissioned by the Association of Tennis Professionals, is the first large-scale project of its kind.

“The first Tennis Terracotta Warrior was Roger Federer. It took about two weeks to create that first 'master' body,” explains Dizengremel. “Then we made a mould and used that to cast the further 8 bodies which we did over a period of 6 weeks.”

Federer, who often has issues playing on clay, had no problem being sculpted in it.

“I think that being sculpted as a Terracotta Warrior is an honor,” said Federer. “I think the idea is fun, bringing together culture and sport”

The original Terracotta Warriors were created between 246 – 210 BC to be buried alongside the Emporer of Qin, Shi Huangdi with the purpose of helping Shi Huangdi rule another empire in the afterlife. With 8,099 of the figures recovered, the ancient clay warriors vary in height and features depending on rank and it has been said to have taken 700,000 workers and 38 years to complete the figures and the emperor's mausoleum.

With the help of husband and wife sculpture team Shen Xioanan and Zhang Yaxi, Dizengremel worked day and night to have the figures done in time for the Masters, which began Sunday.

“Normally creating a larger than life bust can take anywhere between a few days to a week,” explains Dizengremel” “We had to do some of these in a day.”

Federer's modern sculpture is accompanied by the rest of the Masters field, including American fan favorite Andy Roddick. While all of the tennis pros had a positive reaction to the final product, Roddick was the only one who requested a do-over. His original figure did not have a baseball cap, a detail that Roddick feels is part of his image.

"Roddick made the change. Originally it was without a baseball cap because it cast a shadow on the face," Shen said of Roddick's statue.

Serbian tennis cutie Novak Djokovic was excited to see how he would look as a warrior.

“Reaching the Master's Cup in Shanghai is a great achievement,” said Djokovic, “and seeing my head on the sculpture of a warrior is obviously a great thing.”

The figures tower over their human inspirations, measuring 2.2 meters tall. Although most of the tennis pros' heads were easy to sculpt, some features proved more difficult than others. One star even got an unplanned makeover.

“Vidovic's hair,” laughs Dizengremel. “If I had to do it over again in more time, I’d do it more accurately. I owe him an apology as I took liberties because of the tight deadline and gave him a radically different look!”

The tennis Warriors, who wield rackets as weapons, were unveiled for battle at the opening of the tournament on Sunday. Pictures of the Warriors can be found here. It has not been decided what will be done with the sculptures at the end of the Masters Cup.

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Asterisk Schmasterisk

Enough with the asterisks already.

The idea that you can fix scandal, determine record authenticity and level great acts of athleticism with a symbol is absurd. And it is cheapening the moments that make sports exciting.

Read the rest...

Friday, November 9, 2007

Shame on You

I've brought you Sports Figures Who Need to Grow Some Balls and Sports Figures Who Need To Shut The Fuck Up. Today we have Sports Figures Who Should Hang Their Head In Shame.

David Stern, Clay Bennett, and Washington House Speaker Frank Chopp: More proof that the fans are not a priority. On Thursday, Stern announced that if the SuperSonics left Seattle, he would not put another team in Seattle. His statement was in response to the battle between Bennett and the state over new arena funding. Welcome to professional sports, Stern! Anytime a team demands a new arena, everyone bitches over the cost. If Bennett wants to be dick and move the team to his home city Oklahoma City, that's his choice. But to pre-emptively declare that the good people of Seattle will never have another home team to root for, well, that's fucked up. Shame on you.

The Minnesota Vikings: More proof that all players are not treated equally. The Vikings have docked WR Troy Williamson one game's pay for missing a game to attend his maternal grandmother's funeral. Williamson, who was partially raised by his grandmother, took the time off to plan the funeral, be with family, and arrange travel for his siblings. Williamson, whose older brother has been in and out of a coma since being injured in a September auto accident, decided that his family had to come first. To dock his pay for being a good role model, which we need more of in the NFL, well that's fucked up. Shame on you.

Major League Baseball: Can we get a salary cap already? By allowing a team the ability to potentially pay $350 million for one player, you are feeding an already created monster. A salary cap would be better for the teams, better for the fans, and better for the future of the game. You know who it wouldn't be better for? The agents. Which is just fine by me. You're letting guys like Scott Boras make a mockery of the sport and, well, that's fucked up. Shame on you.

Thursday, November 8, 2007

Cardinals fans are dirty

The St. Louis Cardinals have a fun activity where fans can submit text messages to be displayed on the electronic message board at Busch Stadium. Now they're being sued for a particular message that slipped past the screeners.

- An Illinois woman is suing the St. Louis Cardinals for allowing a text message that falsely suggested her [17 year-old] daughter has a sexually transmitted disease to be posted on the ballpark's message board during a game.

Prom Queens can be so bitchy. If the girl had used a fake name at the clinic, no one would have known. I hear the moniker Ron Mexico works really well.

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Family Values Don't Make Good Coaches

Andy Reid has made it quite clear that his priorities continue to lie with the team. It is what he was hired to do and he is paid well to employ that attitude. We cannot, and should not, place judgment on a man who gives no less than what is demanded of him.

Read the rest

Sunday, November 4, 2007

Listen In

I'lbe a guest again this evening on WMEL radio in Orlando for their sports program Last Call. Listen in online around 6:30 ET. Among the possible topics will be:

The City of Boston has a lot to be happy about

Eagles/Cowboys and Pats/Colts

Yankees welcome a new Joe

Torre with the Dodgers

Boras thinks AROD is worth how much

Heisman talk

Odell Thurman suing NFL for his alcohol disability

Andy Reid and his drug addict sons

Has instant replay ruined the game?

Martina Hingis

NBA Referees allowed to gamble now

Great sports duo rivalries

Kobe Bryant

Thursday, November 1, 2007

Are Alcoholic Athletes Disabled?

As you may have read, Cincinnati Bengals linebacker Odell Thurman is suing the NFL under the Americans with Disabilities Act, challenging his suspension by citing his alcoholism as a disability.

It's enough to drive a sports fan to drink.

Read the rest...

Monday, October 29, 2007

The Girardi Era

I know this blog has become a bit of an index of where else to find me lately and for that I apologize. Between the Huffington Post and The Naughty American it's been a bit crazy.

For those of you who have been loyal, I promise to post more original content here. And what better way to come back than with the state of the Yankees. For those of you with limited time, feel free to skip to the bottom for the one sentence summary.

I'm hardly the first to say it, but while the Alex Rodriguez announcement by Scott Boras during the final World Series game was easily the most newsworthy part of the entire series (seriously, for non-Boston fans, this series was about as exciting as watching my dog lick his balls), it was a very low class thing to do. Definitely about as low class as you'd expect from Boras, but it was in poor taste nonetheless. The rule that prevents teams from making major announcements during the World Series should extend to the players and agents as well. As much as I hated watching the Red Sox win the Series, it was their moment and the attempted highjacking was unnecessary.

The Yankees spent the season stating that if Arod opted out of his contract, they wouldn't make him an offer. They should stand by this statement for two reasons. First, if this is an attempt by Boras to call the Yankees bluff, then let him do it. The desperation of major league teams for talent has created a monster in agents like him and it needs to stop. If a player feels the need to opt out of a $252 million contract because he doesn't like the coach, players, team colors, whatever, than I have no sympathy – MVP or not. Which brings me to reason two. No player is worth the money and drama that this situation involves. If the Yankees are prepared to enter into a “re-building” era, bringing in a new coach and young talent, then they should do it. Make an effort to keep the anchor players like Derek Jeter and Jorge Posada and the rising starter Melky Cabrera and use the money they would offer to Arod to build around the core. Let Arod go find a team willing to pay $30 million a year. Yes, even if it turns out to be the Boston Red Sox.

The second big Yankees announcement in as many days involves the next manager of the team. As I predicted a year ago after he left the Marlins, Joe Girardi has been offered the job and he is expected to take it, ending months of speculation. Girardi will be a great fit for the players and is a smart choice for the job.

So basically fuck Arod, welcome Girardi, and go Yanks.

Friday, October 26, 2007

The Rockies are boring

The Colorado Rockies have been called God's Team because of their religious affiliation. Their Christian morals have kept them from being victims of negative press. In an era of cheating and scandal, this should be a breath of fresh air to sports. But is that what the fans really want?

Read the rest.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

The Red Sox have their nuts in place

My newest article for The Naughty American deals with the Red Sox and their nuts:

As the Red Sox prepare for the World Series, the organization will make sure that the field is ready, the uniforms are clean, and their nuts are in place.

“They're pretty meticulous about their nuts, especially for the World Series,” explains Rob Barry, who has been handling the team's nuts for the past 27 years.

Read the rest...


Sunday, October 21, 2007

Listen In

I'll be a guest again this evening on WMEL radio in Orlando for their sports program Last Call. Listen in online around 6:35 ET - I'll be on in the last part of the hour-long show.

Friday, October 19, 2007

Fine...here's my opinion

So, I've been asked quite a bit about my opinion on the Suzyn Waldman debacle. I've basically stayed mum...until she claimed she was only being criticized because she's female.

Nothing pisses me off more than women in sports who play the sex card. For my take on this, head to this week's commentary on The Naughty American.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Farewell Joe

Well, it happened exactly as I predicted. The Yankees offered Joe a deal and he told them to shove it. To this I say, BRAVO.

It's not that I want to see him go. He's one of the best managers in the history of baseball. But he deserves more respect than he's gotten from Steinbrenner and he'll get it elsewhere.

As for his replacement, I'm calling it now: Girardi. While much talk has been made of Mattingly stepping in, I don't think he has the stones. Girardi has the experience and the balls to deal with Steinbrenner. He did great work in Florida, despite having to deal with Jeff Loria and the lowest payroll in baseball. And while some think it would be a problem, Girardi's managerial style will make coaching former teammates easy.

As for who goes with Torre? Let them all go if need be. Mariano? See ya. Posada? I love you, but if you gotta go I understand. Arod? Easily one of the best players in baseball. But enough distractions. The $200+ million payroll isn't working. If it's going to be a new era, so be it. Take the money and use it for younger pitching and players who aren't so distracted by their own superstardom.

It is sad to see Torre go and I know he'll be just as successful wherever he lands next. His contribution to the franchise and his impact on the spirit of the team is unrivaled. But sometimes you have to move on. It's been a great 12 years. Here's to a great 12 more.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

I'm getting naughty

I've been asked to write twice a week for The Naughty American. Some Most of you are probably familiar with its parent site Naughty America. While I won't be writing about porn (at least not often) I will be writing about sports, as well as adding a commentary once a week.
My first piece on the underside of competitive eating is up. Check it out when you get a chance.

Monday, October 15, 2007

Who's on first?

The genius that is Buck and McCarver. Actual exchange from tonight's Red Sox/Indians broadcast:

McCarver: When a catcher has to use his thumb to give signs, that means the pitcher has more than four pitches

Buck: Or five...more than five

McCarver: Has more than four...

Buck: Oh yeah, you're right.

Special thanks to Unsilent Majority for the transcription.

Who Would You Do?

The folks over at Epic Carnival have started a series called Who Would You Do where they pit female sports bloggers against each other in an objectifying competition. This week they decided to exploit yours truly. Now, I'm against the cheapening of sports bloggers like this especially ones that are working hard to level the playing field so I'm not going to tell you to vote for me. But I'm not going to tell you not to. I'm just saying.

So in honor of the stupidity that is this contest, I bring you my own.

Who Would You Do: Charlie Weis vs. Lou Holtz

Charlie Weis

Since the dropping of some gut fat, Charlie's been looking a little less bacon cheeseburger and a little more bacon turkey burger, however a 1-6 start this year is not sexy. It's a plus that he got his coaching start in the New Jersey high school system and on paper, his coaching resume is quite impressive.His NFL coaching career saw him through four teams serving twice under the equally sexy Bill Parcells. And he's just as capable with a play book as he is with the menu at Denny's.

Lou Holtz

Lou's coaching career is studded with accomplishments. A 249-132-7 record as a college coach is only slighty marred by his disasterous 3-10 record as an NFL coach with the Jets. But it's the Jets – can we really hold that against him?

Combined with his legendary stats as a coach, Lou's goggle-like glasses and endearing speech impediment leaves me weak in the knees. Listening to his tongue mangle words makes my mind wander to his other possible talents. Plus, a night with him would put me that much closer to his membership at Augusta.

So do you prefer beef or chicken? You decide.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Listen In

For those of you who are around, I'll be a call-in guest this evening on WMEL radio in Orlando for their sports program Last Call. Listen in around 6:30 - I'll be on in the last part of the hour-long show.

I'm pretty sure I won't make a fool of myself, but I make no guarantees.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Chicago Sports Weekly

Chicago Sports Weekly did a feature on female sports bloggers and yours truly was included in the mix. Check out page 28-29 of this week's issue.

Monday, October 8, 2007

Sports Sponsorship: When is it too much?

[Editor's note: This article also appeared on the Huffington Post on October 8]

Recently the New York Yankees paid tribute to the late baseball great Phil Rizzuto in a touching ceremony before a home game. There were words of remembrance in front of tens of thousands of fans and the playing of Taps to honor the passing of Rizzuto. There was also a large MasterCard logo on the ceremonial podium. As corporate sponsorship becomes a larger part of major league sports, it raises the question of what can't be bought. Or better yet, what shouldn't be bought?

As sports fans we have become inundated by corporate logos as companies scramble to stick their brand on every aspect of the game. For a corporate name it is the perfect way to gain exposure with a large target demographic, but at some point it stops becoming smart and starts becoming offensive. In Major League Soccer, a number of teams do not wear their team names on their jerseys, rather the name of their highest paying sponsor. The New York Red Bulls, formerly the Metrostars, even changed their name when the energy drink company bought the team. Not only does this make each player a walking advertisement, but also any fan who buys and wears the jersey. It might not be long before other sports follow suit. Imagine the Yankees pinstripes, easily the most famous jersey in major league sports, bearing that MasterCard logo. Or worse yet, becoming the New York MasterCards.

Sports sponsorship investing in the US, which according to eMarketer accounted for $8.9 billion in spending last year, has left outside companies scrambling to get a piece of the pie. VNU, the company who owns data research brands such as Nielsen Media Research and Billboard, recently introduced a service called Sponsorship Scorecard, which allows companies, teams, and sports leagues to track the return on their sponsorship investment of televised sporting events. Through research, they can determine which sponsorships will put a companies brand in front of the highest number of consumers. All of this comes at a cost to the corporations which is then passed down to the consumer in the form of higher ticket prices and raised consumer retail values.

So who wins? First and foremost, the team owners who pocket millions by selling ad and logo space to hungry corporate suits. Hired public relations and marketing firms get paid hefty retainers to find appropriate opportunities, including the misguided recommendation of the aforementioned podium sponsorship. And finally the corporate sponsors themselves, who get to place their brand in front of millions of paying consumers.

In the end, the fans and consumers pay the highest price. They buy products at a cost inflated to cover the expense of the sponsorships, marketing, research and public relations retainers. They pay top dollar for team jerseys, only to wear them and provide free advertising for the company whose name is emblazoned across the front. And they have their emotional moments of tribute intruded upon by the inconsiderate exploitation of the passing of a legend.

Saturday, October 6, 2007

The Joba Chronicles

Just another reason to love Joba Chamberlain. He held his composure during last night's freak bug attack. And when asked about it later, he said:

"Yeah, it bugged me..."


As an exercise in media originality, let's keep track of how many writers and bloggers compare the bug attack to the the plague, shall we? Here's a small sampling. (We're all so fucking original.)

ESPN: Joba, Yankees can't avoid the plague

NY Daily News: "Here was a Biblical plague come to destroy a rookie reliever..."

AZ Snakepit: "...after being beaten by the Cleveland Indians and a plague of locusts."

The Canton Repository: "The remake of the Fourth Plague of Egypt took place with the Yankees leading, 1-0."

The OpEd News: "With a cloud of bugs reminicent of a biblical plague harrying his face..."

Tea Leaves: "Then, the midges came out, like some Biblical plague..."

Somewhat Manly Nerd: "It was like God sent down a plague to sabotage Joba."

The Opinion Smith: "There was an insect plague of Biblical proportions at Jacobs Field."

The Yankee Apologist: Even God Hates The Yankees, Sends Plague

Friday, October 5, 2007

Yankees Words of Wisdom

Well obviously there's been much coverage of the Yankees beat down at the hands of the Indians. Wang blew it like a whore at a banker's convention. What can the Yankees possibly have to say? Let's take a look some of the wise words uttered to the media by the boys in pinstripes:

"They just were hitting everything," Yankees slugger Alex Rodriguez said. "Even their outs were hard."
Well that just proves it. Smart guy. And totally not gay.

"Let's just get over it and lick our wounds and then we'll figure it out," New York manager Joe Torre said.
Yeah. We've got plenty of time before tonight's game. We'll talk about the loss, take some bubble baths, cry over it with some red wine and Ben & Jerry's, and then we'll figure it out. Good plan.

"We needed to stop them," said Johnny Damon, who hit a disputed homer leading off the game. "We couldn't stop their offense. Everything they were hitting went out of the park. You definitely don't want to see that happen in the first game."
And by “we” you mean “Wang”, right?

"I thought it was exactly the game plan we wanted to execute," Rodriguez said.
Ah, I get it. You're hustling them. Get shelacked and make them think you suck. And then win when they're least expecting it. Carry on then.

"I feel today wasn't good," Wang said. "Maybe I worked too quick."
Yeah, that's it. You were too quick. You were Johnny Fucking Quick. The goddamn Flash. Slow it down next time. Genius.

[This post also appears on Babes Love Baseball]

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

I'm a live bloggin' y'all

For those of you who'll be around, I'll be live blogging the Red Sox - Angels match-up tonight over at Deadspin. I'll do my best to entertain you while keeping my Sox hatred in check.

Check in when you can and see what I'm up to. I'm sure the commenters over there will be more than willing to keep me on my toes.

Welcome to the post season!!

UPDATE: You can see the results of my live blogging here.

Monday, October 1, 2007

Stop Being A Pussy

I've brought you Sports Figures Who Need To Grow Some Balls and Sports Figures Who Need To STFU. Today we have Stop Being A Pussy.

Today's pussy: Ethiopia's Haile Gebrselassie

Haile Gebrselassie broke the world marathon record on Sunday by winning the Berlin marathon in two hours, four minutes and 26 seconds. Almost 3 hours of sweating, cramping, and fatigue that turns even the strongest men into vomiting wimps. But 10 minutes after breaking the record, Gebrselassie called the former record holder and apologized.

What? You don't apologize for breaking a record (unless you're this guy, at which point you should apologize for breathing). You call the former record holder and say “Yeah bitch! Let's see you do THAT!”. Now I'm all for good sportsmanship, but the unwritten rules of competition state that if you're going to kick some ass, you do it unapologetically. So stop sniveling and start training Gebrselassie. I'm sure someone's coming after your record and I guarantee you there will be no apologies when they dust you.


Speaking of record breaking, Michael Strahan broke the Giants franchise record for career sacks in Sunday's game against the Eagles with a sack on Donovan McNabb. Mark Ecko is now trying to have an asterisk branded on McNabb's ass before launching him into space.

Sunday, September 23, 2007

Multi-millions aren't enough anymore

There has been some buzz in the sports world lately stemming from a recent article for New York Magazine. It has been speculated that Alex Rodriguez's agent could possibly negotiate a deal for Arod to opt out of his contract with the Yankees at the end of the year and go to the Cubs (who are up for sale and have yet to announce new owners). A part of the deal could be partial ownership of the Cubs. While all of this is speculation through sources, it opens up a number of ethical questions and if there is any truth to the sources quite a few people could lose big and face disciplinary action, including both Rodriguez's agent and the Cubs' potential owners.

The biggest issue, however, is the possibility that a player could obtain partial ownership of a team as part of a playing contract. While it has been done in the past, the conflict of interest it creates would not and could not benefit the sport. No player should own any part of the team they play for, regardless of the size of their share. While it is customary for a company to offer profit sharing to its employees, the scale of possible team ownership by a multi million dollar player doesn't compare. A team's profits aren't necessarily directly related to winning and losing. There is team sponsorship, advertising, merchandising, ticket sales and a host of other things that an individual player has no effect on. Awarding partial ownership to an active player is a distraction to both that player as well as the rest of the team.

It also would allow teams to get over budgeting and salary issues by substituting partial ownership for actual salary, the value of which fluctuates over time. While you can put constraints on teams who are thinking of offering contracts like this, it's hard to draw the line at dollar amounts or percentages. Major League Baseball needs to start looking into putting regulations into place to cover this situation. As contracts continue to grow into the multi-millions, teams, players, and agents will be looking to capitalize on the team's assets as well as use those assets to get ahead in the bargaining process.

[Update: It seems that the Collective Bargaining Agreement contains language that would prevent players from owning stake in a team. Darren Rovell educates.]

Friday, September 21, 2007

Sports Figures Who Need To STFU

A little while ago I brought you Sports Figures Who Need To Grow Some Balls. Today, let's explore Sports Figures Who Need To Shut The Fuck Up.

Donavan McNabb. Seriously, is there anything more cliche than the black athlete complaining about the oppression of black athletes? It's been done. Besides, if you had a win under your belt you might have a shot at legitimacy. But when you're 0-2, you just sound like a whiny bitch in a gay looking uniform making excuses. You're not being criticized because you're black. You're being criticized because you suck. Get over it, throw some touchdowns and shut the fuck up.

The NFL. The whole Patriots cheating scandal has proven that the NFL is the mafia of the major sports organizations. An Italian guy snitched, knee caps were broken, monetary punishment was assessed and evidence was destroyed. In the interest of safety, everyone involved should shut the fuck up. You know, they are breaking ground on that new stadium in Jersey. When Mangini disappears, I don't know nothin'.

Red Sox fans. Shut the fuck up. You blew a 14.5 game division lead. 2004 was a long time ago. You can go back to being the red headed step child now.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

The Yankees Will Now Take Your Dignity

Despite an obvious sabotage attempt by Mariano Rivera, the Yankees were able to take this weekend's series from Boston 2 games to 1. It also means the Yanks are 10-8 against the Sox on the season, giving Red Sox fans everywhere reason to be ashamed. I mean, what's the point of the Red Sox winning the division if they can't beat the Yankees. What's that? The playoffs you say? Yeah. We'll see you there.

Here are a few things we've learned from this weekend's series:

When Boston loads the bases in the bottom of the ninth, down one run and Big Papi at the plate, Sarah loses her mind and cries like a little girl.

The Yankees need to hurry up and spank Joba into shape before Rivera single handedly sinks the ship.

Watching Clemens and Schilling pitch the same game is like watching two water buffalo slowly kicking each other to death over the course of 4 hours.

Youkilis could make a successful living as a human target for the Yankees bullpen.

You cannot deny that Derek Jeter is clutch. Yeah yeah, and he's hot too. I get it.

Red Sox fans? Waaaay dumber than Yankees fans.

Monday, September 17, 2007

Blogging with Breasts

BallHype gathered a few of the sexiest sports bloggers in the blogosphere (including yours truly) to chat around the roundtable and talk about sports, blogging, and who we fantasize about. Check out Blogging with Breasts when you get a minute.

Sunday, September 16, 2007

Eli Manning's Sex Change

[click on image for full view]

When NFL.com jumps on the wagon and starts calling you girl names, you know you need to grow a set. We all know Eli Manning is a pussy, but this is just mean.

Update: Yes, Eli's birth name actually Elisha, yet NFL.com has never listed him as such. This can only mean one thing: NFL.com's new weekend editor? One Peyton Manning.

Thanks to Unsilent Majority for helping my computer illiterate ass with the screen grab. Oh, and for being a cool motherfucker.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Fantasy Football Trash Talk of the Week: Week One

So, I won this week in 2 out of 3 fantasy football leagues. Not a bad way to start the year. I promised you I'd bring you the trash talk of the week. My plan is to highlight some of the best bitch slapping comments from each of the league's email threads. Here they are:

KSK League:
“ “

League 2
“ “

League 3

“ “

No, that's not a typo. Not one bit of trash talk, yo momma jokes, or anything in between. What the fuck happened to my leagues?? Now, League 3 is one I've been in for years and they've recently let 2 other women in, one of whom is pregnant and the wife of another owner. It has now become the Bitch League and I'm none too pleased with it. But I thought I had 2 other leagues to pick up the slack.

League 2 is a league of a friend of mine and only a few people there know me personally. Being the only girl, I expected reservations. But after week one I'm in first place and not one other owner has talked shit about it. Not one.

But of all of them, I'm most disappointed in the KSK boys. Apparently all of the shit talk is reserved for the site because there was not one ounce of trash talk this week. These guys are masters of verbal insults. The Yodas of trash talk. Goddam ranting geniuses.

Fucking get it together guys. Seriously.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Manning down! Manning down!

Yes. I drafted Jared Lorenzen in one of my fantasy leagues. A quick check of his stats just now showed that 0% of fantasy owners own Lorenzen. Which means it's quite possible that I'm the only person in fantasy football with the foresight genius optimism to draft him.

According to the NFL Network, Eli Manning has a separated shoulder. Manning says he has a bruised shoulder. Coach Tom Coughlin claims it's sprained. If you ask the PR staff, it's a bruised acromioclavicular joint. This proves two things. One, that the Giants have no clue what the hell is going on. And two, the Giants PR staff got the Big Book of Medical Terms for Christmas.

What does this mean for the Giants? It means that they're finally forced to see what their QB depth can do and Lorenzen has a shot to prove himself worthy. Unfortunately, it's not under the greatest of circumstances with more than a few starters injured and a Green Bay defense ready to capitalize in week 2. There's no middle ground – either Lorenzen plays a stellar game or he completely shits the bed.

As for Eli, his starting job is safe regardless of Lorenzen's performance. His injury came at the end of a 312 yard, 4 touchdown game, which is a far cry from last year's mediocre stats. The biggest factor will be the number of weeks he is out for and without any definite answers from the Giants on the severity of his injury, it's useless to speculate. Manning is a delicate flower and any extended injury threatens to derail momentum and further damage his girlish psyche.

As for Lorenzen, he gets the game start but should be get the fantasy start? Absolutely not. That doesn't mean that I won't do it, 'cause that's how I roll.

Friday, September 7, 2007

A peek into my mind

For those of you who are curious as to what goes on behind the curtains of my mind, check out the interview I did with JP of Pyle of List.

This weekend is the start of 4 great months. I have three fantasy football teams - which is guaranteed to drive me insane - and I follow a team who is sure to have me taking antidepressants by the end of the season. I'll be keeping you all posted on the KSK Fantasy League, as well as highlighting the trash talk of the week from all three leagues.

Since I've totally phoned it in this week (aside from my Tragedy Bowl brilliance) I'm going to leave it at that. May you all have a weekend filled with football, beer, good food, and lots of sex. That's all you need in life really.

Thursday, September 6, 2007

WOO HOO!!!!!!!

Happy first day of the greatest 4 months of the year!!!

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

ACC review: Week 1

As some of you know, I'm handling the ACC previews and reviews over at Loser With Socks. Head on over to see my review of Week 1.

Tuesday, September 4, 2007

Tragedy Bowl

We all know the media loves to exploit human interest stories to appeal to the viewers. The announcers of the Virginia Tech game this weekend spent just as much time talking about the shootings as they did calling the actual game. This weekend's Virginia Tech/LSU game is sure to be the media's Tragedy Bowl with the Massacre being the odds on favorite in Vegas over Katrina. Here are a few ways to capitalize on both tragedies for the sake of a story:

Instead of tossing young co-eds in the air for every point scored, fans will toss various electronics they've looted from local stores.

The halftime show, sponsored by the NRA, will feature the Dancing Seung-Hui Chos.

Instead of the teams ceremoniously running into the stadium before the game, the players will start inside and run out, evacuation style.

The cheerleaders will doff their usual skimpy uniforms for hip waders and bullet proof vests.

Each time a player is hurt, the medics will institute a delayed response, waiting until the player begins self treatment before offering assistance.

Before the game, FEMA will sponsor a tailgate party, promising party tents to everyone in attendance but only actually providing 4 for everyone to share.

The Teddy Bears for Guns fundraiser will be held prior to the game. Any student turning in a teddy bear will receive a handgun in return.

Students showing evidence of being declared mentally ill will receive a free game ticket.

Additional plans are in review. Feel free to add your suggestions in the comments.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Yankee Stadium Security: On Notice

Yankee Stadium security, you are officially on notice. We all know that the Yankees/Red Sox games bring out the crazies, but the new stadium “rules” have gone a bit too far.

Apparently, fans are no longer allowed to yell “Boston Sucks”. While I understand your desire to keep the game respectful, it's clear that your new security cavalry has never attended a game at Yankee Stadium. Lighten up. Besides, yelling “Boston Isn't Good” just doesn't have the same ring.

And you told my friend to turn her t-shirt inside out. Did it have obscenities on it? No. Did it degrade people of a specific gender or race? No. It said “Manny love loves Big Papi's little pee pee”. Now, I'm not sure which part was offensive. Was it the suggestion that Manny and Big Papi are gay? Because there's nothing wrong with being gay. Was it the suggestion that Big Papi only packs a few inches? Because there's nothing wrong with that either, as long as Papi knows how to satisfy Manny in other ways. My only conclusion, Mr. Security Guard, is that you have issues with both being gay and having a small penis.

Kicking out the guy in the next row for telling JD Drew he was a horse's ass? Well, that's just bad form. So Drew cried a little. He'll get over it. But just to play along, I've written down a few possibly acceptable heckles for the new regime:

“Drew, you're a bad outfielder”

“Your mother is a woman of loose morals”

“Hey ump, that was a terrible call, sir”

“Hey Manny, you're a guy who likes to sleep with other guys”

“Excuse me, Beckett. Would you kindly place your lips on my bottom?”

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

She's baaaaack!

A huge round of applause for Rob, who kicked this blog's ass while I was on vacation. I might have to fire myself and replace me with Rob. It was a much needed vacation, but thanks to lack of dependable internet access in the Outer Banks, I returned home to lots of catching up to do. Basically here's what I missed:

Vick pleaded guilty. They guy's lost his biggest endorsement, the rest of his contract, will most likely have to return his signing bonus and will do time. On top of that, he was just OK as a pro QB. I think it's about time we all stopped caring about this.

I got 3,000 emails regarding the Giants loss to the Jets. I've said it before and I'll say it again. PRE-SEASON SUCKS DONKEY BALLS. I don't care if the 4th string quarterback threw an interception intended for the 6th wide receiver.

Stephen A. got fired from the Philly Inquirer. A plethora of Cheesy Doodle jokes ensued. ZZZZZZZZ

David Wells is now a Dodger. And still a fat bastard.

Eli's whining because Tiki was being critical of his team leadership. Hey Eli, grow a set. It is now Tiki's job to analyze the NFL. Try winning a few games before you start crying like a bitch.

I have three fantasy teams and one of my leagues apparently made the decision to let 2 other girls into the league. And that's not the worst part. One will be using a computer drafting program to draft for her and the other is the wife of another league member. This goes against everything I stand for. And basically, this guy now has no “wife free” haven. Our league commissioner gets jackass of the week for allowing this to happen. And I don't care that she's pregnant. If she mispronounces a players name, she's doing a shot.

Less than two weeks to go before the beginning of the greatest 4 months of the year. It's a magical time filled with footballing, drinking, fantasy teams, shit talk, and general weekend debauchery. I absolutely live for it.

Friday, August 24, 2007

My Work Here Is Done

Thank you, Sarah, for letting me ruin your good name for a week of guest-bloggeratin'. I leave you with one of my favoritest Kids in the Hall sketches:

-Rob Iracane

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Lots of Room For You On the Red Sox Bandwagon

Bloggy Yankees scribe Peter Abraham (extreme closeup!) links to the USA Today cover feature stating that, based on road attendance, the Red Sox have displaced the Yankees as "America's Team":

"Well … it depends how you look at it. The Red Sox have averaged 38,802 fans for road games. The Yankees have averaged 37,906. I’m not quite sure 896 people means one team is more popular than the other in the entire nation.

It’s also worth noting that when the Yankees play on the road, they fill 84 percent of the seats and the Red Sox 82 percent.

USA Today also failed to take into account that when the Red Sox play in New York, they’re playing in front of crowds of 55,000. When the Yankees play in Boston, they play before 36,000. So the Red Sox benefit in that exchange."
Heck yeah, Pete! Let's do the math:
  • The Red Sox are averaging 38,802 fans in 64 road games
  • That's about 2,483,328 total fans
  • The total attendance for six Red Sox/Yankees affairs in the Bronx was 329,704
  • The Red Sox' total road attendance everywhere but the Bronx was 2,153,624
  • In those 58 games, the average attendance is 37,131.
Weak! How 'bout them Yankees?
  • The Yankees are averaging 37,906 fans in 62 road games
  • That's about 2,350,172 total fans
  • The total attendance for six Yankees/Red Sox affairs in Boston was 219,905
  • The Yankees' total road attendance everywhere but tiny and charming Fenway Park was 2,130,267
  • In those 56 games, the average attendance is 38,040
Ding! So let's recap: when games in the super-huge dump known as Yankee Stadium and teeny-tiny cutesy-poo Fenway Park are taken out of the equation, the Yankees draw more road fans thatn the Red Sox. Who's "America's Team" now, Paul White? Huh? That's right. It's still the Red Sox, because Americans are weak, spineless lemmings who follow anything the media tells them to. How else would one explain the popularity of The Singing Bee?

-Rob Iracane

Jumping the Gun: Previewing the 2008 Yankees Coaches

Although the 2007 season is far from over, this Yankees fan is already looking forward to next year, the Yankees' final season in that history-filled dump at East 161st Street & River Avenue. Let's end this ridiculous exercise with the coaching staff:

  • Manager (2007): Joe Torre
  • Manager (2008): Don Mattingly
Regardless of how the Yankees finish this season, Joe Torre will not be fired. Still, his contract is up, he's put the finishing touches on his Hall of Fame resume, he's passed Casey friggin Stengel on the all time Yankee win list, and he's just fucking tired. Retire, write a book, embark on TV career, make big time bucks as a featured speaker, etcetera. He may have not always made the right moves or properly used his roster but screw you, he's Joe Torre and you're not.

So why Don Mattingly and not Joe Girardi? Because Mattingly didn't become bench coach so he could eventually be passed over by some has-been catcher who got way too much credit for a shitty team that overachieved to mediocrity. Mattingly is ready now!
  • General Manager (2007): Brian Cashman
  • General Manager (2008): Brian Cashman
C'mon, if you're a free agent and you have to decide which team to sign with, wouldn't you choose the name CASHman over the name, oh, lets say...Epstein?I have nothing to add to that hilarious statement.
  • Famous Dead Yankee (2007): Phil Rizzuto
  • Famous Dead Yankee (2008): Yogi Berra
Time's up, Yog.

-Rob Iracane

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Derek Jeter Is Dreamy

If you don't subscribe to XM Satellite Radio, you must hate baseball, or music, or both. Why must you hate baseball and/or music? Anyway, New York Yankee dreamboat and shortstop Derek Jeter was recently interviewed by Buck Martinez for XM Radio's Baseball Confidential series. I have nothing else to add. Derek Jeter is non-controversial and gives very bland interviews. He's only useful as a shortstop and a hitter and a leader and eye candy for the ladies and non-traditional males.

-Rob Iracane

Jumping the Gun: Previewing the 2008 Yankees Bullpen

Although the 2007 season is far from over, this Yankees fan is already looking forward to next year, the Yankees' final season in that history-filled dump at East 161st Street & River Avenue. Let's continue with the relief pitchers:

  • Closer (2007): Mariano Rivera
  • Closer (2008): Mariano Rivera
I'm tempted to pencil Edwar Ramirez in here. Mariano is a free agent and he's old enough to remember the Beatles on Ed Sullivan, but give the guy a couple more years at $12-14 million per and we'll see where our fortunes lie.
  • Right-handed short relief (2007): Kyle Farnsworth, Luis Vizcaino, Scott Proctor, Brian Bruney, Edwar Ramirez, Joba Chamberlain, amongst others
  • Right-handed short relief (2008): Kyle Farnsworth, Edwar Ramirez, Darrell Rasner/Jeff Karstens, EXCITING FREE AGENT ACQUISITION
I don't really know the difference between Rasner and Karstens. One's 27, one's 26. One broke his leg, one broke his finger. One makes $389,495, one makes $384,523. Neither is signed past this year, naturally. As for the free agent, let's take....Scott Linebrink. Sure.
  • LOOGY (2007): Mike Myers
  • LOOGY (2008): Sean Henn
Mike Myers is still the second most effective reliever for the 2007 Yankees (even as he languishes on the shitty White Sox). Unfortunately, he couldn't do the goddamned job he was hired for, getting lefties out. Fuck! This Sean Henn character probably can't do it much better but I'm flummoxed right now. If that meaningless stat known as the 'save' didn't exist, Mariano Rivera would be our LOOGY (yes, I know he throws right-handed but he does super well against lefties) and only come into high leverage situations. Oh well!

-Rob Iracane

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Jorge Posada Can Cash In

As per Andy of the Stat of the Day blog at baseball-reference.com, our favorite catcher without a chin is having the best season ever by a 35-year-old catcher. Take that, Carlton Fisk! Also notable from Andy:

"I can only assume that they did not go after Teixeira because they expect to be able to resign Posada and play him largely at 1B next year (where he has appeared in 18 games previously in his career.)"
Interesting. I like this idea, as does commenter Handride.(via Bronx Banter)

-Rob Iracane

Jumping the Gun: Previewing the 2008 Yankees Rotation

Although the 2007 season is far from over, this Yankees fan is already looking forward to next year, the Yankees' final season in that history-filled dump at East 161st Street & River Avenue. Let's continue with the starting pitchers.

Here's how the 2007 rotation shaped up:

  • Chien-Ming Wang
  • Andy Pettitte
  • Mike Mussina
  • Roger Clemens
  • Kei Igawa/Phil Hughes
Here's how the 2008 rotation might look:
  • Chien-Ming Wang
  • Andy Pettitte
  • Mike Mussina
  • Joba Chamberlain
This assumes that Carl Pavano has been taken out behind the Stadium and shot, naturally. Andy Pettitte has an option for 2008, but it's a player option and not a team option. That being said, Pettitte knows how much we love him so he won't make the same mistake twice and leave the Yankees again. Mussina may be old and decrepit but he's due to make $11 million next year, so pencil him in. Joba Chamberlain has way too many effective pitches in his arsenal to stay in the bullpen.

So where, you might ask, is Phil Hughes? After last night, I'm too disappointed to include him right now, so I will play the part of Brian Cashman circa 2002 and make a wacky free agent signing...let's go with...Rodrigo Lopez.

-Rob Iracane

Monday, August 20, 2007

Jumping the Gun: Previewing the 2008 Yankees Outfield

Although the 2007 season is far from over, this Yankees fan is already looking forward to next year, the Yankees' final season in that history-filled dump at East 161st Street & River Avenue. Let's continue with the outfielders:

  • Right Field (2007): Bobby Abreu
  • Right Field (2008): Bobby Abreu
Who, on May 31st, would have ever thought that the Yankees might pick up Bob's $16 million option for the aught-eight season? At that point, Abreu was getting on base at a shitty .313 pace and slugging a Neifi Perezian .289; since that point he's raised both figures by 50 percent. He must have seen his his ex-wife in another porno. So you know what? We'll roll the dice on his age 34 season, only if we can get that Machado dame to keep blowing dudes on the internet.
  • Center Field (2007): Johnny Damon/Melky Cabrera
  • Center Field (2008): Melky Cabrera
Sorry Johnny. We knew it was a bad contract. Theo knew it was a bad contract. Heck, even you knew it was a bad contract. You're going to have to be traded to the Braves with some cash for a handful of prospects. On a related note, if I hear "The Melkman delivers!" one more time, I'm going to flush my XM radio down the toilet.
  • Left Field (2007): Hideki Matsui
  • Left Field (2008): Hideki Matsui
What's this bullshit about Matsui's knees I've been hearing lately? He might not be aging very gracefully, but he's one of only two Japanese imports that has been successful in New York (the other being the tons and tons of advertising money from Japanese corporations) so he'll have to suck it up and survive through the 2009 season.

Well that was boring! Fuck! I'll do the starting rotation tomorrow. Maybe I'll even think up an actual free agent from an actual DIFFERENT team.

-Rob Iracane

Jumping the Gun: Previewing the 2008 Yankees Infield

Although the 2007 season is far from over, this Yankees fan is already looking forward to next year, the Yankees' final season in that history-filled dump at East 161st Street & River Avenue. Let's start with the infielders:

  • Catcher (2007): Jorge Posada
  • Catcher (2008): Jose Molina
Look, I love Jorge as much as the next guy, and if it weren't for Derek Jeter, he'd probably be captain of this team. Still, he'll be a free agent coming off a career year so the value for the Yankees just won't be there. I'll let Posada cash in and make some coin for a few years, because I fucking care. Re-sign Jose Molina or any Molina for that matter.
  • First Base (2007): Doug Mientkiewicz, Jason Giambi, Andy Phillips, Josh Phelps, Miguel Cairo, Johnny Damon, Shelley Duncan, Shelley Winters, Lou Gehrig, Stuffy McInnis, and Santa Claus
  • First Base (2008): Doug Mientkiewicz
I'm totally gay for Dougie's glove. Giambi stays with the team as DH because, well, we can't trade him and we can't kill him.
  • Second Base (2007): Robinson Cano
  • Second Base (2008): Robinson Cano
Enough of the Rod Carew comparisons, Michael Kay. Cano is no Carew. If anything, he's a Bret Boone-type who will strive too much to hit home runs later in his career and then fizzle out. But we'll take him for now. He's only for now!
  • Third Base (2007): Alex Rodriguez
  • Third Base (2008): Alex Rodriguez
An open letter to Scott Boras: Love is a two-way street, Scotty Boy. Alex is going to get his $30 million one way or another, so let's make it nice and easy for the both of us. Extend his fucking contract so we can still get our little stipend from Tom Hicks and his team of no licks. How many more trophies and plaques and original paintings do we have to throw at your client to let him know that we LOVE him? With regards, Someone Who Has Always Cheered For A-Rod Even While Everyone Else Booed
  • Shortstop (2007): Derek Jeter
  • Shortstop (2008, 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015): Derek Jeter
He's so fucking dreamy.

Later, I'll tackle the outfielders. Not literally. I don't think I could wrap my arms around Bobby Abreu's fat legs.

-Rob Iracane

Thursday, August 16, 2007

I'm out!

Hey, folks. I'm going on a much needed vacation next week but sit tight. I've asked the great and powerful Rob Iracane, aka Deadspin Combudsman to watch the place while I'm gone.

Now, most of you probably don't know that Rob disagrees with pretty much everything I write. He's called me a chauvinist pig on more than one occasion. In fact, I guarantee he's coming prepared with a list of things to discredit me on while I'm gone. But that's ok. I'll right the ship when I get back.

So be good to Rob and make sure you check in next week to see what he has to say. And Rob, put the seat back down when you're done.


Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Youth Fighting Camps

[This article will appear on The Huffington Post as of 8/15/07]

Professional hockey player Derek Boogaard has opened the Boogaard Fighting Camp, a day camp devoted to teaching youth hockey players how to fight properly. The purpose of the camp is to teach the attendees, who range in age from 12 to 18, to learn how to effectively handle the inevitable on-ice fight. If the camp stays true to its cause, which is self defense, then it's not entirely a bad idea.
Since the inception of the camp it has drawn a mix of reviews from the public, including a good amount of outrage. Critics of the camp say that it is encouraging youth hockey players to engage in fighting, a practice that has made professional hockey popular with fans. Boogaard says it's just the opposite, that he's not urging them to fight but teaching them how to protect themselves. One could argue that it is similar to the purpose of teaching a child martial arts, which is widely used for the purpose of self defense. While the discipline of ice hockey is much different than martial arts, there is still a need to defend oneself in a fight. Learning how to do so decreases the chance of a player having to eat through a straw for four months.

If parents are taking issue with camps such as this, they need to look to a higher authority to direct their ire. Young athletes ultimately don't look to their coaches or parents to model themselves after. They look to the professionals of their sport. The struggling NHL has relied on fighting to keep their dwindling fan base interested. As long as the professional players continue to fight, the youth hockey players will follow suit.

You could argue that the youth organizations should ban the practice of fighting in hockey and that would solve the problem. However, should a young athlete want to be successful in the sport, whether in college, minor league, or professional, they need to learn how to survive all aspects of it. Currently, that includes fighting. A player who is not exposed to it at a young age is at a disadvantage later on in their athletic career.

Whether or not fighting should be tolerated in hockey is a separate issue. As long as it continues to be an accepted part of the game, we need to teach our youth players how to deal with it properly.

Sunday, August 12, 2007

Getting to know SportsGirl

The boys from Ghosts of Wayne Fontes interviewed me for a post on Epic Carnival. Check it out for a glimpse into the mind of SportsGirl.

The interview was pretty long, so here are a few questions that didn't make the cut.

Ghosts: Is A-Rod going to break Bonds record?
SportsGirl: What* is* this* record* you* speak* of*?

Ghosts: Your fondest Red Sox/Yankees moment?
SportsGirl: My fondest Red Sox/Yankees moment was actually Vegas in June at Blondie’s Sports Bar watching the first game in the Yankees/Boston series and finding myself surrounded by Yankees and Red Sox fans. Halfway through the game, a Red Sox fan offered a Yankees fan $100 to eat 50 little restaurant packs of butter. And the crazy bastard did it. I’ve never been more prouder to be a Yankees fan. It wasn’t that he actually did it (because that was just plain stupid) but it was the fact that he got challenged and didn’t back down. It reminded me of the old Yankees who didn’t take crap from anyone, let alone Boston.

Ghosts: Would you say AC/DC was better when Bon Scott (Lead Singer) was alive or do you fancy their work since Brian Johnson (Lead Singer) took over?
SportsGirl: Wow, that's a tough call to make. I mean, Highway to Hell came out of the Bon Scott era and Back in Black was Brian Johnson. Those are two of the best albums ever produced. Honestly, I think the loss of Phil Rudd had a bigger impact on the band than the Scott/Johnson switch.

Ghosts: Who is the worst trash talker in [the KSK] league?
SportsGirl: You know, it's too early to tell, but I can be pretty obnoxious myself. I plan on highlighting the “Trash Talk Comment of the Week” on Strike Zones to call out the best trash talker from the week before. Stay tuned.

Friday, August 3, 2007

An Open Letter To Michael Strahan

Dear Michael,

You're being a little bitch.

I've been sitting on this contract thing for a bit. Partly because I wanted to see how it played out and partly because I just can't deal with training camp drama. It's hard enough to be a Giants fan these days.

But seriously, this is ridiculous. First of all, you're going to make Eli cry and he cries enough as it is. We've got his psyche duct taped together right now. I was hoping we'd at least make it to week 8 before he breaks like a little girl.

This not showing up to training camp crap? I'd expect that from Jeremy, but not you. You're better than that. I know it's getting tougher as you age to kick the hooker out of bed in the morning and get moving. But dammit, you gotta do what you gotta do.

And the retirement talk? It wasn't cute on Tiki and it's not cute on you. You guys need to learn to take care of that stuff in the off-season. You wanna retire? Fine. Whatever. But don't do it during the season. That's like being in bed with a woman (or Dr. Ian) and telling her mid thrust that you're breaking up with her. Sure you still get to finish, but she'll spend the rest of the time thinking about you leaving instead of fantasizing about Jeremy's tight end.

You know you're my favorite player on the team. Yours is my go-to jersey on Sundays and I always feel like a badass wearing it. Why? Because you're Michael Fucking Strahan. The animal. The legend. The man who mercilessly took down a scrambling Brett Favre to break the single season sack record. At least that's how I remember it anyway.

I guess what I'm saying is, stop whining about money and retirement and get to practice. The team needs you. Eli needs you. And dammit, I need you.


Sports Girl

P.S. I saw your ex-wife the other day. She looks like shit. Just thought you should know.

Wednesday, August 1, 2007

Parents of the Year?

So this story has been in a couple of places and commented on by my far superior fellow sports bloggers (namely this guy and this guy), but you all had to know I couldn't resist a little commentary.

So little 5 year-old tennis phenom Jan Silva's parents have up and moved their family to a tennis farm so that little Jan can become the next tennis superstar. I'm not sure whether this is a good thing, or whether it qualifies as a jackass move by the parents. I mean, when I have a son one day I fully plan on tying his right arm down when he's born and making him a lefty. But this might go beyond sensibilities. Let's take a look at some quotes from the story and analyze, shall we?

"He also is the central player in an experiment that goes well beyond what most families would risk to build their child into a sports champion."
Well, right off the bat this is clearly a good thing. We have all of the key ingredients of a well-adjusted kid. Risk, child experimentation, and the desire to "build" said child into something. I'm on board so far.

"Sold our home with everything in it," says Scott, a 38-year-old social worker who played basketball at Southern Oregon University. "We're getting Jani ready for something much bigger."
Bah! Who needs possessions anyway. I'm sure the kid didn't mourn the loss of his Sponge Bob DVD's knowing that his parents had something "bigger" planned. That bike he got for Christmas? That's 4 year-old nonsense. Now that he's 5, he's ready for tennis elbow. Wait until his parents get him cuff surgery for his 9 th birthday. Best. Gift. Ever.

"The Mouratoglou Academy takes care of the Silvas' every need, including housing in a small chalet just overlooking the facility's 16 courts, meals, coaching, court time and equipment. The Silvas say they would be crazy not to take the opportunity to fulfill what they say is Jan's burning desire to play tennis."
If the kid's got a burning desire to play tennis, then it's definitely worth the sacrifice. Can you imagine having to live in a chalet without paying for rent, food, coaching or court time? I think they might be candidates for parents of the year just for toughing it out like that. I mean, do you remember that 5 year-old with the burning desire to be a rodeo champ? Of course not. Because his dickweed parents wouldn't man up and live rent free. They "thought" he'd be better off in school with his own friends. Assholes. Who the hell wants a socially well-adjusted kid? Not me.

"During his afternoon practice, Jan — in academy-provided Nike shoes and clothes — scampers around the court…"
Well, this might just do it for me. Little Jan has his first endorsement deal. It won't be long before he's swimming in logos and bathing with hookers in a bathtub full of cash. I am fully convinced that all the proper steps are being taken to ensure this kid's success. I'm fully on board with this.

"…the Silvas sold their house and two cars in Rancho Cordova, Calif., near Sacramento, and moved to France with their two other children so Jan could live and train full time."
What? They fucking moved their kids to France? France? I take it all back. That's just child abuse. I mean, this is the country that spawned a pussy military and Gerard Depardieu. Fucking frogs.

SportsGirl's verdict: Parental Dick Move of the Year

Monday, July 30, 2007

Disabled Athletes: Do they have an advantage?

[This post appears on the Huffington Post beginning 7/29/07]

Oscar Pistorius is a double amputee sprinter who set world records in the 100, 200, and 400 meter at the Paralympics in 2004. He is now looking to qualify to compete against able-bodied athletes in the 2008 Olympics, but the IAAF, the governing body for international athletes, has reservations about letting him. They say he has an unfair advantage, and they might be right.

Pistorius runs on two curved prosthetic racing legs made of carbon-fiber. According to the IAAF, they provide less air resistance than a human leg would, and allow him to distribute energy differently. Pistorius has agreed to work with scientists to determine whether the legs provide him with an advantage over able-bodied athletes. If tests prove that they do, then he absolutely should not be allowed to compete.

While it is a positive step that technological advances are allowing people with physical disabilities to do things that were previously not possible, that technology does not belong within the confines of athletic competition if it will alter the playing field. If the purpose of Pistorius competing in the Olympics is to show that the physically handicapped can compete equally with able bodied athletes, then for him to compete with such an "advantage" would only prove the opposite – that in order for him to successfully compete he needs an edge.

It is interesting to consider the possibility that a person with a physical disability might be better equipped to compete in the Olympics. As technology continues to evolve, this issue will only be compounded by future potential competitors. While it is easy to be affected by the courage and motivation Pistorius has shown, the IAAF needs to separate that emotion from the science of the sport. Regardless of how amazing his accomplishments, it needs to be fair for all competitors involved.

Should the IAAF allow him to attempt to qualify and Pistorius competes in the Olympics, it would open the door for future disabled athletes to do the same. It would mean a re-structuring of the system and each athlete would have to be individually tested to determine their possibility of advantage in each of their respective sports. The committee would be responsible for accurately breaking down each athlete's abilities and attributing their performance to either technology or natural athleticism. With 386 events in 35 sports, it would be nearly impossible to do it fairly.

While I think Pistorius is an inspiration to both disabled and able-bodied athletes everywhere, the IAAF is doing the right thing by taking their time and doing the research. If they decide to not let him compete, Pistorius' supporters should understand that it isn't a setback for athletes like him. It is a testament to their greatness.

Saturday, July 28, 2007


Oh, Strahan. Say it ain't so!

Thursday, July 26, 2007

ACC Football Preview

Losers With Socks has asked me to do a weekly ACC round-up, SportsGirl style. Being a Hokie, I jumped at the chance to piss off some FSU and UVA fans. Assholes.

Here's the preview, as seen on Losers:

Welcome to my ACC house, boys. Don't bother wiping your feet. I'll be kicking you out soon.

Here's a little preview of what's about to go down in the ACC this season. I'm not going to bother breaking down all of the teams because most of them are going down quicker than a WVU fan at a family reunion. I'm just going to highlight the top Contenders and the bottom Pretenders. And for the jackass out there thinking Why am I reading this? She's a girl, what does she know? Well you're right. I don't know crap so go read ESPN. They're always right. Asshat.

We'll start at the bottom.


Listen. Even Duke fans are stocking up on moonshine and painkillers. They lost every game last year and are 5-34 for the last three years under coach Roof. And usually when all 11 offensive starters return for the season, it's a good thing. In this case, they should have sent them to slaughter and started over.

NC State
Pulling Tom O'Brien from BC was a big move, but not enough to make them a contender. At least not this year. Look for lots of running and not much excitement. Also look for Chuck Amato in the parking lot after each loss with a sign screaming "I told you it wasn't my fault! They just suck!".

Being a Hokie, it's pretty much against my religion to ever say anything nice about UVA. But I didn't even have to stretch to put them in the bottom three. They're a young team with a shaky QB in Sewell. Not to mention their top receiver just had wrist surgery and there's not much depth in the offense. Their schedule is a bit forgiving, so look for them to win a couple but they won't come close to being a contender.


Georgia Tech
Va Tech's biggest rival in the Coastal Division is Georgia Tech. The offense took a hit with the loss of Calvin Johnson and Reggie Ball, but new starting QB Taylor Bennett seems poised to pick up the slack with a myriad of receivers to throw to. The showdown of the year will be when the Yellow Jackets host the Hokies in Atlanta.

Florida State
As much as I hate Florida State, I hate their fans even more. What a bunch of annoying pricks. But with Bobby celebrating his 104th birthday this year and Terry announcing his return to coaching, there will be Bowdens here, Bowdens there, Bowden Bowdens everywhere. The QB situation with Weatherford and Lee is very shaky, but it won't matter because 80% of their offensive plays will be running.

Which brings me to this year's ACC Champions, the…

Virginia Tech Hokies
Yeah that's right. I'm a Hokie. I even hung out with Ookie in college. I never would have predicted his love of dogs though. His love of slutty white co-eds, however? That was obvious. But I digress. This veteran Hokie team had the best defense in the nation last year and with Brandon Ore leading the offensive run, it's bound to be a productive season of Beamer ball. If QB Sean Glennon can keep from shitting himself, they're taking the title.

And that's it folks. I'll be checking in weekly to bring you the best and worst of the ACC. And I know I've pissed off most of you, so I'll see you in the comments, bitches.

[UPDATE] Looks like I've already struck a nerve with WVU fan.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Women are ruining sports

Ladies, go ahead and write the hate mail but hear me out before you hit send. (Also understand that I'm only serious about 10% of the time I'm writing on this blog. This is probably not one of those times.)

Sports has always been a haven for men and the place where guys go to bond over drinking, swearing, and objectifying cheerleaders. It is, in essence, a brief escape from the bitching of women, be it wives, moms, or girlfriends. And it has worked because, for the most part, sports were something that women had no interest in watching.

As more and more women are taking an interest in sports such as football and baseball, men are seeing their “haven” invaded by their women and it’s threatening to take away the one thing that was solely theirs. (Aside from poopy towels. Women want no part of that.) And I can’t imagine they like it one bit. Take me for example. I’m a lifelong sports nut who participates in three fantasy football leagues in which I’m the only female. Thirty-five guys who have welcomed a female into their heavily guarded tree fort, yet there’s always one who feels put out by the presence of a woman. This year is no different and the only thing I can do (after telling him to suck it up and stop crying) is to understand where he is coming from.

The presence of women means that men feel the need to “clean up”, be it their appearance, language, or behavior. While women are enjoying sports more and more, it doesn’t change their views on the crude behavior and the result is frustration on both sides. For couples, spending time apart is necessary in maintaining a healthy relationship and watching the game with his buddies was usually a man’s “me time”. No guy wants to watch his starting fantasy running back break into a 75 yard touchdown run, only to turn around and hear “Great play. Honey, did you remember to take out the trash before we left?”

Now, as women are demanding to be involved in said sports watching, it’s left little room for men to escape. And it’s not just the husband or boyfriend who is affected. A man who has just scored front row seats to the game now has a decision to make where previously it was a no-brainer. He has to at least consider taking his woman and his buddy could be left watching on TV, thinking, “Fuck. I should have told that bitch about the hooker in Vegas when I had the chance. Then she would have broken up with him and I’d be at the game.”

Now there are exceptions to this and it all depends on various situations. My guy friends love watching games with me because I always equally contribute to the vulgar language, excessive drinking and cheerleader ogling. (It’s also why wives and girlfriends hate me and why my male friends have to use a guy’s name when they put my number in their cell phone. Stupid bitches.) If I were a girlfriend or wife however, it would be different. I would not be as welcomed, as the presence of a wife changes the dynamic.

So, yes. Women sports fans are ruining sports for the men who watch them.

Happy Birthday, Barry

Happy Birthday, Barry. I hope you like the puppy I bought you.

Monday, July 23, 2007

How dare you, sir!

So it seems that someone took offense to my Huffington Post column from yesterday and while I’m not one to argue (I almost typed that with a straight face), I felt the need to comment. It’s not like I haven’t blasted a writer for being an idiot before so I guess I had it coming eventually, but if you’re going to debate something please be clear on what the original writer was saying and stick to it. Just a suggestion.

And let me state now that this is in no way an attempt to start a blogger fight. Blogger fights are just pathetic. It starts with a few innocent comments and the next thing you know, one blogger calls another blogger an “actual journalist” and feelings get hurt. There’s no need for that.

So here’s a little point-counter point. Or is it counter point-counter counter point since I made the point first? Or does that matter? Can I get a ruling on this?

The Huffington Post's designated sports blogger Sarah Schorno describes herself as "marginally qualified to write about sports and the social issues it encompasses."

Well, let me start by saying that I warned you. Had I said “extremely qualified” you’d have a right to ask for your money back.

Her first observation -- that rather than register surprise at the NBA ref scandal, people were more likely to wonder which ref it actually was -- appears to have been lifted from a Bill Simmons column earlier on the subject.

Actually, my column pre-dates Simmons’ column so I suggest you “mailbag” him. Had I wanted to mimic Simmons, I would have live-blogged about listening to Pearl Jam in Vegas with Kimmel while mentioning no less than 5 “celebrity” friends.

Maybe that's for the best, however, because the results are much worse when she actually does attempt to go beyond a glib, derivative observation.

Now I know how Matt Lauer felt when Tom Cruise called him glib. It’s not that bad, actually.

However, to suggest, like Schorno does, that steroids were ignored by baseball prior to the FBI knocking down the front doors of BALCO is simply not accurate. Though it would take BALCO and an embarrassing day in front of a congressional committee for baseball to get serious about the penalties for steroid use, there was certainly an acknowledgment of the problem at least year before BALCO broke…

Acknowledging a problem and solving a problem are two different things. Which was kind of the point of my column. No, actually it was the point. Or was it the counter-point? Have we gotten a ruling yet?

Schorno is like every other hack journalist out there who believes that the issue of steroids in baseball begins and ends with Barry Bonds…

Woah, dude. Hold on one second. I may be a hack, but I’m certainly no journalist. And I never said or implied that Bonds was the only steroids issue in baseball. I said his was the case that made people outside of the league pay attention. I also said he was a douchbag. What? I didn’t? Well, I meant to.

… I'd invite Schorno to compare apples to apples and explain why she thinks -- as I assume she does -- the NFL's record on steroids, both past and present, is so much better than Major League Baseball's.

You know what happens when we assume, Shyster? You start the night out talking to what you “assume” is a pretty, single blonde and you wake up 4 Zimas later next to a tranny hooker. What does that mean? I don’t really know. I just wanted to use a tranny hooker reference.

So I guess what I’m saying is that it’s OK to disagree. That’s the point of my very opinionated HuffPo columns. It’s meant to make you think and inspire debate. But if you decide to whip your dick out and make a man of yourself, at least make sure you’re on point. You should also make sure your blog picture doesn’t look like you walked into a kitchen where Chris Hansen was hiding behind a curtain. Just a suggestion.

The FBI: The new sports commission?

[Editor's note: this article appears on the Huffington Post beginning 7/23]

There have been a lot of instances recently of misbehavior within the major sports leagues. The biggest ones have been unearthed by investigators outside of those leagues. When are the commissioners going to start paying more attention?

Most recently, the FBI revealed an investigation involving an NBA referee who was found to be betting on games, including ones he was officiating, to pay off gambling debts. NBA commissioner David Stern made a statement saying that there is only one referee under investigation, yet law enforcement officials claim that more arrests are to be expected. Is Stern playing the public relations game, or is he that out of touch with what is going on in his own league? If there are additional referees implicated in the near future, I think it would prove the latter.

The fact that there was a problem to begin with was evident in the sports world’s reaction to the news. While the league showed surprise in the revelation, fans and players showed the opposite, throwing out guesses as to which ref was involved. The fact that there were multiple justified “guesses” means that the problem doesn’t lie with this one ref. So is it possible that the fans know more about what’s going on within the league than its own governing body does? Absolutely.

And the NBA is not alone. Major League Baseball didn’t start taking notice of their own steroids problem until federal investigators got involved. Barry Bonds continued to get unnaturally bigger and hit more and more homeruns, yet MLB commissioner Bud Selig turned his head. It wasn’t until outside sources revealed the BALCO scandal and a federal grand jury got involved that Stern decided to start making statements. And even still he hasn’t made any disciplinary decisions. He’s taking the easy way out by waiting for the grand jury to make an indictment before taking a stance while Bonds inches closer to breaking baseball’s biggest record. Had Selig been paying attention long before, he could have handled the investigation within the league and made a disciplinary decision himself. What happened instead was an embarrassment to baseball.

The sports commissioners need to regain the control they are losing over their leagues. The NFL’s commissioner Roger Goodell, while not popular for his strict discipline, is at least taking steps to keep the players and coaches under control. As a second year commissioner he has some inconsistencies to iron out, but the other league heads could take a lesson from his courage to take a stand. If the commissioners don’t start paying more attention to what’s going on within their own organizations, the results will continue to embarrass the leagues, alienate the fans, and provide more opportunities for outside investigations.

Friday, July 20, 2007

Question Mark Quarterbacks

It seems that there are a high number of quarterbacks unconfirmed for starting positions as we head into the first week of NFL training camps. It got me thinking. And since the last thing I want THIS blog to do is make you think too much, I've posted my thoughts over on the new sports site Epic Carnival.

Feel free to comment here. Or there. Or wherever. If you get a chance while you're over there, take a look around. There's a lot of random shit, so you're bound to find something good to read.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

The Fallout

And so the Vick fallout continues. Apparently the good people of New York City are donating their Michael Vick jerseys to the local shelters in record numbers. I’ve seen two different homeless men in the last two days wearing #7 Falcons jerseys. No joke. I was going to take photographic evidence, but that would have been insensitive. Plus, then I’d have to give them a dollar. Fuck that.